Fifty Shades Dumber is more like it. In our shockingly generous one-star review of Fifty Shades of Grey in 2015, we dismissed the film version of E.L. James bestseller as Cinderella porn an S&M fantasy so sanitized it couldnt shock Aunt Tillie. Now heres the followup, again with Dakota Johnson, again vainly trying to have fun as Anastasia Steele. Shes is no longer a virginal English major, but a magazine intern with a head for literature and a bod for sin. As you remember, Ana has parted ways with billionaire hottie Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), because genital clamps and caresses from a cat o nine tails arent her thing. And Christian, poor baby, cant get off without them. Her focus now is upping the profits of the publishing house shes working for by adding young authors who worship the demigods of digital. What a concept!
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And what an incredibly, indelibly idiotic movie. James, the British author responsible for this I-like-it-rough book club favorite, showed the perks that come with bestsellerdom: Out went Kelly Marcel, who wrote the first film; in comes Niall Leonard, a.k.a. James husband, to maybe shed a little light on all this dominant-submissive stuff. Sam Taylor-Johnson, who directed the original movie, also fought with James; shes now been replaced by James Foley, who made At Close Range (1986) and the adaptation of Glengarry Glen Ross (1992). This, however, is not Mamet its a beast of roaring stupidity that devours everything in its path, including the veteran filmmaker. Hallmark should buy the rights to Christians line to Elena (Kim Basinger), the older woman who seduced him as a boy. You taught me how to fuck, he tells her, but Ana taught me how to love. If youve read about the derisive laughter that greeted this cinematic disaster at its first New York screening, heres one reason why.
The plot? Its basically the same as the first time: Ana goes back to Christian after he rescues her from her sexual predator of a boss (Eric Johnson). Christian lets Ana touch him now (hint: hed been sexually abused as a child), but only in designated areas that he marks on his body with lip gloss. Such gallantry! And for guys looking for Valentines Day ideas, our heroine seems to adore her present of vaginal beads the gift that keeps on giving! and having her butt spanked a rosy pink. No ugly, red bruises here, except to logic and sanity. And what to make of Anas suddenly stunted vocabulary. Seeing Christians boat, she sighs beautiful. The sight of his mansion evokes another beautiful. And eying the gown Christians mom (a criminally wasted Marcia Gay Harden) wears to a costume ball, Ana can only say beautiful. Were there only a limited number of words allowed in the script?
As for the sex, its utterly joyless. Yes, the bodies of Johnson and Dornan are wait for it beautiful. But the only conviction the two stars bring to their roles comes in their mutual awkwardness and eye-rolls that suggest going down on each other is an endurance test they cant wait to be over. (Will Arnett and Rosario Dawson generate more erotic heat in The Lego Batman Movie. And theyre made of plastic.) Ana calls Christians desires kinky fuckery, but where the hell is it? Confronted with Christians Red Room of Pain, Ana can only gaze at the array of whips and chains and wonder, Does the maid dust in here? This softcore swill is hardcore awful. Note to masochists: This team with return to film James third book, 50 Shades Freed. You have your work cut out for you.
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