Toward the end of this weeks episode, Hannah stands trembling on Adams doorstep, ready to break things off after he texts her a photo of his wiener wrapped in a squirrel skin a photo meant for another girl (a thing she finds out about after his flippant SRY that wasnt for you follow-up text). I really care about you, and I dont want to anymore because it feels to shitty for me, Hannah sobs. Unfortunately, Adam has way stronger emotions about her new drawn-on eyebrows than their so-called relationship. You look like a Mexican teenager, he marvels. It rules. Might as well be telling him to put on a shirt, girl, because your gorgeous emotional rant has fallen on deaf, hot ears. Everyones early twenties is made of these kinds of beautiful speeches that you crowd-source from your girlfriends and tell to horrible guys. But not guys this horrible, right? These guys these guys are no good. No good at all.
Now, using that scene as an example, I do feel that last nights episode felt intriguingly true to a hyper-specific moment in time, when a woman is young and a transplant and has no guy friends as of yet. In that window, every interaction with men is so profoundly loaded and important and (usually) awful. As in real life, however, just because its a genuinely felt experience doesnt make it true. These men of Girls lord, it might be a clich, but these girls need a gay friend up in here, stat. A male who isnt a total goober to balance out the pure dumb-assness of every male character (save Jessas employer) weve met so far. Maybe Hannahs ex-boyfriend could come back? Ugh, but he was horrible, too! Horatio Sanz, dont let me down now!
Lets start with Hannahs new coworker, shall we? Oh, did I mention Hannah found a job? And thus, the central dilemma of the series neatly resolved itself! Hannah now works in an office characterized by a palpable beige-ness and an alien operating system. I am more of a Mac girl, Hannah explains as she frantically reviews a Windows manual. She works with Rich, an amiable beardo who without warning presses his hand between Hannahs breasts for a bit of Reiki healing straight from the training grounds of Club Med. Hannah is perturbed but not horrified, as she quickly learns that her amazing, sassy female coworkers have come to employ bemusement when dealing with Richs massages. He touch you?, they quiz her, before filling in Hannahs sparse eyebrows with some amazing chola Count Chocula numbers as a gesture of camaraderie. All I want is more of these awesome new ladies, but instead we are offered the craziest rationalization possible for Richs bizarre lack of boundaries. Youll tell me if the touching ever bothers you, right?, he smiles, explaining that hes just a touchy guy. Rich, did you get brain damage down at Club Med, too? You cant know youre a creep and still be applying pressure to peoples skeletons without asking! Words cannot express how exhausted with rage I am just thinking about this plotline. Oh no, here it is: rage-zhausted.
Then there was Shoshannas momentary love interest, Matt. Oh, Shosh! As soon as you saw her hopeful face light up at the sight of her former camp counselor, you knew something humiliating was about to happen. So, of course, she decides to watch a movie with him that night watch a movie being code for something humiliating is about to happen. In our pants. When presented with Matts boner, Shoshanna declares, I dont want to touch it if we havent kissed. Reasonable! Once their clothes come off, Matt boasts, I like to eat pussy too. I know it seems weird, but I frigging love it. Ive never heard anything weirder, Matthew. Please do go on. After suggesting they have sex, Shoshanna blurts out that she is still a virgin. So, of course, Matt slams the breaks on the whole boning idea because EW and NO and GROSS. Virgins get attached. Or they bleed, he sniffs. Im a totally unattached bleeder, Shoshanna promises to no avail. Sometimes I wonder if this show is too real to my life experience for me to give a balanced recap, if you guys catch my drift. On the other hand, I rage because I care. I hope Shoshanna loses her virginity surrounded by a million tea candles, following a loving massage from a former camp counselor who really cares, but boy, I do not think thats in the cards.
Across town, Jessa manages to lose her tiny charges, later hinting at her own mothers less-than-stellar parenting skills. After her abortion plotline ended, the show is giving Jessa short shift in the storyline department, but more importantly is Horatio Sanzs Uncle Terry (who leered over Jessas Bridget Bardot face and ass like Rihanna) going to try to sleep with her? I might need to be put in an iron lung if that happens. Or a sanitarium.
And then there was Charlie. I genuinely felt bad for Marnies man last week as she barked at him about his shaved head. Theirs is clearly a dying relationship in need of a gentle shove into the grave. Enter Hannahs diary. Oh, and Charlies gross friend. Someone should just tie her up to a post and fuck her, he says of Marnie, his friends girlfriend, before moping about his chances of ever sleeping with someone to whom he bears familial resemblance: My sister is a fucking fatty, my parents are dead, so I got nothing. Cool story, barf. After snooping around the ladies apartment, the two discover the aforementioned diary, which discusses Marnies true feelings for Charlies kind of smothering love. So, of course the two use their gig later that night to perform a song based on Hannahs personal musings as a horrified Marnie and Co. look on. Wow, man, that is a pretty deep cut, except what kind of person lets his gross friend smell his girlfriends vibrator? In front of him? This actually happened, mind you. WHAT KIND OF HUMAN WOULD DO SUCH A THING? Bye, Charlie! Dont let the geyser of my vomit hit you on the way out! Despite the fact that everything Hannah wrote was true (and, duh, because of it), Marnie hurls a drink in her face and snarls Bitch! before storming out of the bar. A fight between two characters that actually care about each other and act like humans? Humina humina humina! Next week cant come soon enough!
Which brings us back to Hannah trying to break things off with Adam. I made you think you didnt have to explain, she gulps about the errant text, struggling to hold back tears. OH, GIRL, NO. NO. Despite the advice of her closest friends and kick-ass coworkers (This picture wasnt for you? That is fucked up, they collectively gasp), Hannah tries to talk it out. Because thats the only power you have in those situations, right? A desperate, hand-flailing diatribe in the face of handsome, slack-jawed reality? Like Shoshannas strict no-boner-grabbing-before-kissing rule, it is depressing to have to blurt out the BASIC RULES of human interaction to some guy. But thats how it feels, when youre young. Or thats how actually it is? I dont know; these recaps are breaking me down, son. Unfortunately, since this is TV instead of real life, Adam embraces Hannah rather than make up some lame excuse and then slowly stop texting her over the course of a month. Adam isnt required to apologize or explain himself or put on a shirt for one goddamn second because Hannah just wanted to say her piece. She has no expectation that hell change. I love it when you talk to me that way, he tells Hannah as they kiss. Man, do we have to like this guy now? Jesus, give me strength. Fill my little hot rod bod with your holy will and deliver unto me a male character that is not the biggest chode of all time. Or at least more of Jessas boss; he doesnt seem too bad. Yet.
Previously: What Would Robyn Do?
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